Perfectly imperfect

Aging.  It's that little word that sells millions in wrinkle cream and botox.  Why is it so hard to age?  Is it the gloomy end?  I don't know about that! (retirement sounds pretty nice right now, right?) 

*So before we begin with my aging insight, I'd like to make a simple disclaimer- I admit to the fact that I am 35 years old.  That anyone reading this over the age of 35 1/2 will roll their eyes and say that I don't know the first thing about aging.  I get it.  I truly do.  But see it my way.  35 is older than 20, so, yes, I have aged.  And in the spirit of the following story, I have recently been noticing more and more that I am in fact disconnected from that carefree stage where the toughest thing I used to do was coordinate a nap somewhere in my "busy" schedule.  So back to what I was saying...

My story about aging...  Last Saturday night, I was cleaning out a closet and found one of my old purses.  (I hear that thought in your head.  I know that you've done something along those lines on a Saturday night before, right?!)  Anyhow, my old purse contained a wallet I haven't used in a while and INSIDE that said wallet sat a $20 gift card to a particularly yummy restaurant (Gianinos for you STL folks).  So my husband and I had this brilliant thought to go there on a DATE!    Sunday night my husband and I went out to eat at a restaurant (no! you say?  A date night?  I know, right?  And on a SUNDAY....  We live on the edge.)  As I was walking into said restaurant I immediately regretted that we didn't come early to get the early bird special, ha!  Well, the dinner conversation ended up centered around the fact that we are indeed aging.  A little balding here and little wrinkle there... and how at work we can't relate to the youngins' as much as we once had.  I came to a realization that the high school seniors that I am teaching this year were born the year I graduated high school (face plant).  We reminisced the days when we'd put away 50 wings in a sitting and would swim all the calories off before bedtime.  Now a days we are detoxing on juice diets and falling asleep on the couch before 9 p.m.  That, my young friends, is part of aging.

So, when the Clickin Moms monthly blog challenge came up as being close up portraiture I had to embrace those wrinkles and go with it.  Well, I tried my best to use photoshop in my favor but I chose not to cover up the age.  I have a wrinkle or two sprouting from my eyes but hey, they are from all that smiling I like to do.  So, I guess aging isn't that bad.   I kind of like the older, wiser state I am in.  I kind of like the humbling feeling knowing that in the future I'll look back on who I am today and realize I didn't know it all.  The future isn't so bad when you think about all there is to look forward to.  So I challenge you to embrace the aging.  Don't be embarrassed when they turn down that gift card from 2009 that you tried to use at said restaurant (That wasn't an old person move, was it?).  Take a look at yourself up close and embrace what you see.  Make a new wrinkle from all that smiling you have in store and choose to be perfectly imperfect.

Here are some of the other close up portraitures I took of my perfectly perfect children.  Enjoy.

My sleepy babe, Katie

 

 

 

I swear she has about 20 different kinds of lip balms in her room!

 

She's an explorer at heart.

 

one of our little dog, too!

...and while you are at it, follow our blog circle and meet the fabulous photographer, Ashley and her interpretation of close up portraits.

Each month I'm participating on photography challenges with fellow Clickin' Mom photogs... You can follow the blog circle by clicking on our links at the bottom of each of our posts.  You can also see them directly here:

Ashley / Angie / Caristy / Angela / Maria / Gina Yeo / Anne-Lise Bouscail / Courtney Kirkland / Megan Rose  / Rebecca Grabek / Muriel

2012 Photo favorites

As 2012 comes to a close, I'm going to jump on the bandwagon and compile my photography favorites of the year.  I only included personal and family ones... the portraits I made of friends and co-workers could double this collection (see some of them at my photography facebook page and like it while you are there).  It's hard to belive just one year ago I got my first fixed lens and clicked my camera out of auto mode!  In just one year I have nurtured a hobby that is so gratifying and I'm so happy to share my collection with you all!  Here's to 2013!

First snow of the year

 

  Spring Break in New Mexico... Katie in her Junior ranger hat!

 

My very first portrait session... my neice, Amber, senior photo



Nana in the peacock garden
 

Summer vacation in Branson

 

Vacation is exhausting!

 

Me and my girls <3 p="p">

Lashes that I love... and freckles, too!

 Patriots

 

Candy lover

 

Curley Q

 

Summer joys

 

 

Explorer

 

Contemplation

 

Scout outing

 

Peacock in the moonlight

 

 Helping Hands and Horses
 

 Higher!

 

Playground milestones

 

 I Believe

 

Watch for new photography posts each month throughout the year as I embark on a new photographic journey.  I joined a blog circle with fellow photography friends.  Happy 2013 friends!

 

Celebrations

Lately I've felt like everywhere I go I can't escape complaining and arguing.  Whether it's politics or work stress or just trying to fit everything into one day, differences in opinion surround us and it's so easy to become exhausted by it all.  Yesterday I was sitting at my work computer feeling a little stressed over all the grading I need to do and decided to escape a bit by changing my computer background.  I ended up chosing this picture that I recently took of Katie at a neighborhood park.

I immediately felt better.  Katie, whether she's with me in person or starring on a picture on my computer screen, is an instant mood lifter.  Her attitude is contagious.  She is pure love and joy.  She is sweet, polite and happy (99% of the time). 

When I took this photo, she wouldn't sit still for a posed picture, but that's ok because I actually prefer photos of my babies being themselves.  What strikes me the most about this picture is how far Katie has come.  When I look at it my heart swells with pride over the fact that she can run.  Just look at her face.  You can see the pure joy that she is having doing it, too!  Katie is overall delayed in pretty much every area of development and seeing her accomplish each little milestone that most families overlook in their own children, well it really puts your priorities into perspective.  I remember waiting over 6 months just for a smile.  I look back and remember feeling pain to see younger cousins pass her up with walking, talking, drawing, pretty much everything.  It's hard at times to see your child struggle but amazing things happen over time.  I've watched her never give up.  I've seen her want to do what the other kids are doing and today I'm seeing her acheive those milestones.  I can't be more proud of the fact that she is beginning to do these things and more.  She continues to make me proud day after day.

Kate teaches me every day what is most important in life.  It's not who won an election.  It's not if you get your paper work done on time or if your house looks perfect or if you have the latest technology... it's your family, your kids, your health.  Katie has blessed me with one of the greatest gifts I never asked for.  The daily reminder of what is important... the love of life.

Fear of the what if's

One of the scariest things about raising a child with special needs is the big looming monster of the future that scares the willies out of me.  Yes, the present can be difficult at times but the future... that is what grounds me most of the time.  It's the what if's... usually I refuse to think of those things.  I try my best to live for today and celebrate the past.  But, some weeks the what if's are inescapable.

This week I've been bombarded by what if's.  This past week, I've meet other mothers who share my same fears for the start of school.  I've talked within my support group about the what if's of planning for Kate's adulthood.  I've read blogs on the what if's of medical downturns; of kids who probably won't make it to see their 3rd birthday.  The what if's of parents who can't get the medical care that their child deserves.  I've listened to teenagers call each other names that I know will someday hurt my child.  It seems I can't escape it this week.  It's one of the downfalls of reaching out to others in the special needs world.  Most of the time you hear the joys of success stories and feel blessed to meet the families who beat the odds.  You learn from them.  But, sometimes weeks like this come along and it brings fear.  Those what if's surface and all of a sudden you feel troubled by the world around you and fearful of the future.

Part of this feeling comes from the fact that Kate has her first IEP coming up.  For those of you who aren't familiar with education... an IEP is her personalized education plan for her start to preschool.  It will determine her therapies, the support she'll get throughout the school day and it will set the tone for her entry to school.  I have complete faith that it will turn out fine.  I have been nothing short of impressed by the educators and therapists that we have had the pleasure of meeting and working with over the past 3 years.  But, there's that what if.  There are those stories of parents having to fight for their children who don't get what they need and it makes me a nervous wreck. 

Kate is going to start preschool in a month and a half.  My little Kate who can barely walk without stumbling, who talks baby talk and who is the size of an 18 month old.  How will she survive?  I know that she'll probably thrive there.  I know that she'll love it and they will love her but I'm fearful of so many what if's that come when a child who is very delayed has to try and keep up in the big, bad world without me and her Daddy. 

When my first daughter started preschool I was nothing but excited for her.  Ally is bright and was practically ready for Kindergarten at the time.  She was writing her letters at 3.  She knew all her colors and numbers up to 30.  She could make patterns and tell you the life cycle of a butterfly.  How is Kate supposed to compete with that? 
Yesterday I was going through all Ally's old artwork and found a preschool poem that her teacher gave me on her first day of school.  I remember reading it 3 years ago and laughing, thinking "why would parents worry about their kid going to preschool?". Well, now I understand.  I'm worried. 

People call me strong.  People say that I handle stress well.  For the most part, I'd agree, but I have my moments. As a mother of a child with special needs, you can't be immune to the feeling of fear forever.  You have to succumb to it at times.  So, as I enter a long weekend off work, my goal is  to live in the moment.  I'm going to remove myself from the what if's and focus on the joy of my daughter for who she is today.  It's healthy to remove yourself from the realities of the world and just be happy for who you're with and what you have.  My hope is that the beauty of today will calm the fear of the tomorrow.

Lemonade

I have a serious problem that some of you may be able to relate to... I can't say "no".  It really drives my poor husband up the wall.  I'm that super volunteer that drives herself mad.  I over schedule myself.  I complain when I've had no time left for myself.  I smile a lot.  The truth is I love doing things for others.  I love seeing new things and meeting new people.  It makes me happy to give to others and accept nothing in return.  That's why I can't say "no", I like saying "yes".

The past two weeks have been over scheduled due to my "yes" addiction.  I have grades due so my work life has been in overdrive.  I volunteer to be the leader of my daughter's girl scout troop.  I took a group of high school students to Ronald McDonald House.  I volunteered to work the school's fall festival.  I volunteered to attend my daughter's field trip. 

On top of all that, my husband and I are coordinating two days worth of diagnostic testing for Katie's preschool for this week and had to fill out 5 forms of questionnaires, find her birth certificate and print a current picture off, get her new glasses ordered and then picked up and call the four doctors who left me voicemails...  that's when I had a melt down.  I'm not writing this to make you feel sorry for me.  I don't feel sorry for myself.  I put all this on myself.  I'm treating this like a AA meeting for Yes-aholics :) 

My meltdown happened last Sunday.  I was trying to print Kate's picture off and the printer wouldn't work.  Isn't it funny how the simplest, silliest things that go wrong set you off?  You'd think I was attack by a Grizzly, not an HP, but hey, I lost my cool.

The following day I had Ronald McDonald House night.  I was excited for this.  It's my favorite volunteer activity.  We go to the house, usually with about 8 students, and cook for about 40 families.  We had a big family style cuisine planned- spaghetti two ways, pasta con broccoli, baked ziti, garlic bread and a Rich and Charlies salad.  I had about 8 bags of food ready in my classroom and about 15 minutes left to go before we left when a student came in to deliver the news that no one could go.  My jaw dropped and I panicked.  Now, I don't want to dwell on the student thing... I still to this day don't know what happened but for the sake of argument it was outside my control.  We've been volunteering at RMDH for several years now and this has never happened so I'm not blaming the kids... but I still was in a state of stress.  How can I cancel this late and have 40 families who spent their entire day at the hospital watching their sick children hooked to machines? 

I packed up all the food in my car.  It was raining and gloomy.  My first thought was that I'd drop off the food so they'd at least have something to cook.  My second thought was that was ridiculous.  I don't even want to cook after having a day of fun... right about then the rain stopped and the sun peeked through.  Call me loony but a giant rainbow shined down from the heavens.  Yes, I'm for real. :)  It was like God telling me that I have to do what I can.  My mood lifted and I thought "YES, I will cook the entire meal myself".  I can't do anything about someone else's choices.  I can only control my own and I chose to do the best I can with the time and resources that I've got.  And you know what?  I was like a trained chef.  I had two ovens going, meat cooking, mushrooms sautéing, pasta boiling and dishes washed all at once.  I'm telling you...sign me up for the Food Network because I rocked that kitchen (ok, I'm just kidding about that because if they actually called me you know I'd say yes!).  In an hour and a half I had a feast set out for the families.  I was so proud of myself.  Folks, I made lemons out of lemonade and it tasted delish :)

So after my week of torturing myself...I'm trying to say no more often.  I started at the girl scout neighborhood meeting.  They needed a Rockwood employee who could drive the biodeisel truck to haul all the camping goods around the state (not only do I fit that description, I'm in the same department as the biodeisel group).  I hung my head low and said no in my head... it was a start.  Saying nothing is like saying no, right?  They also asked for a person to run a club at the high school to promote student awareness for others with disabilities.  I'd love to do that!... but I didn't reply.  I mentally had to restrain my hands from typing a yes email and I still think about how fun that would be... but I didn't say yes. That's no, right?  Ok, so I'm working on it... it's a start.

The rest of my week is filled with more things I volunteered to do and I don't mind one bit.  I figure that life is short... why not... within reason.  right?  I hope your week is as fun and frantic as my own...Now, I'm off to plan my next activity.  Have a happy fall week my friends and I'll see you at the next meeting!

Gratitude

Today I entered an essay contest about my journey towards understanding williams syndrome.  My cousin, a writer, encouraged me to share my story and I'm glad she did.  It helped me reflect on my journey, so far, and it has made me feel so much gratitude towards a group of women who have helped me along the way.  This blog post, modified from my essay, is dedicated to them...

Every parent has dreams that their child will have a lucrative future- one with a successful career, families of little grandchildren at play, that they will always be healthy, happy and well adjusted. Then reality hits you. It hits you hard. You get a diagnosis that your child may never have those things. That they will most likely never drive, never marry, never have a career, never move out of your house, never have children, never be completely healthy and worry free. Let me tell you, that’s hard to hear.


Upon the diagnosis, I spent a lot of time contemplating this new reality and trying to make sense of it all. When Katie was first born, my mind was clouded with confusion, denial and anger. I saw a child hooked to machines, who didn’t smile, who wouldn’t nurse, who cried most of the time. I saw a broken child.

I soon sought after help and found myself in a support group on Facebook where I met other mothers who were in my shoes. They taught me that this new world is one of unparalleled beauty. They taught me to see the joy of having a child with special needs. They walked me through my lows and celebrated my daughter’s achievements with me. These women have taught me that all those dark, early emotions were only natural ways of handling the shock.

It took a group of strangers to show me that my daughter is all I had wished for and more. Today I know that my “broken” child is perfection. She may need a little help, such as glasses to see and braces on her feet so she can walk, but despite all of those obstacles, she takes life’s challenges in stride and with an eager zeal to succeed. Katie didn’t smile until six months old, but since the first grin, you can’t wipe one off her face. Her smile is the most infectious, mood lifting thing you’ll ever see. She is the sweetest little person in the world. If I come home unhappy and stressed, her giggle and a hug is all I need to feel whole again. She has taught me all about blessings and finding the beauty of love in unexpected places.

Without that community of women, I’m not sure I would have found the balance that I have today. Sharing my life with them has taught me about the value of a community. As I matured in thought, I was inspired to marry my “typical” life as an anatomy teacher and my “special” life as a mother by writing a blog named “Understanding Williams Syndrome”. I share the medical knowledge I have about Williams Syndrome with others so mothers, like me, can advocate for their children and understand what happens in their bodies. This latest project has helped me learn more about paying it forward. I now repay those women who have shared a powerful lesson of love with a powerful lesson of knowledge. My hope is that together we can make our family’s lives rich and fulfilling.

Through this journey, I have learned that life takes turns that you don’t anticipate but by putting trust in others, sometimes even complete strangers, and making the best out of your situation, you find yourself in a very powerful and unexpected place full of love. As an exhausted mother of a child with special needs, I still wish my daughter didn’t have these unique challenges. I still carry a little heartache over this reality. I still wish she didn’t have a more difficult life than most but, I wouldn’t exchange this reality for anything. I have learned that by understanding williams syndrome and sharing my experiences with others like me, life can be more rich and beautiful than ever before.

I'm not sure I'll even come in higher than last place on the essay contest, but I am sure that I have been blessed- with a beautiful daughter and remarkable support.  Although I haven't met these women face to face, I know that they care for me and my family and that I can rely on them for help.  That is just another one of the surprising blessings I have encountered on this journey through Williams Syndrome.

My Wish

Today Katie had an eye check up. On our way to the office there was a brigade of emergency vehicles keeping a frantic pace in our path. I should have known that when you pull into a doctor's office and there is a massive car fire that you should just turn around and reschedule. Yes, it's apparently hot outside and car fires are bad omens.

So, Katie needs glasses. Her eyes are falling out of alignment again and she's starting to favor her right eye. ugh. I, of course, was hoping for good news. I wished that she'd have perfect eye sight. I wish that all is good in the world and I don't need to worry. But here I am, worrying. I'm good at it.

My mind is full of positive thoughts. I know that it's not the end of the world. I know that she has trouble seeing sometimes. I know that things could be worse. I know that she'll look cute in glasses. I know that they will help her learn and develop. I know these things.

My heart doesn't feel them, though. I have a little case of the heartbreak. I just wish she didn't have to deal with all of this. I wish I didn't have to worry. I wish I felt like my head tells me too. I know that there are many others out there that have much greater tragedies. But I can't help how I feel.

I was holding it all together until I heard "My Wish" by Rascal Flatts on the radio...

"and if one door opens to another door closed,

I hope you keep on walkin' til you find the window.

If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,

but more than anything, more than anything,

My wish for you is that life becomes all that you want it to.

Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small.

You never need to carry more than you can hold.

And while you're out there getting where you're gettin' to,

I hope you know that someone loves you and wants the same things too.

yeah, this is my wish"

That's when I realized, that my heart break wasn't because she needs glasses. My heartbreak is because today is just another reminder that I have to work hard to make her wishes come true. I have to be her advocate. I have to help her feel right in this world and I have to help her navigate through it all.

So, what it all boils down to is that I wish the best for her because I love her... that is where my mind and heart agree.