My Wish

Today Katie had an eye check up. On our way to the office there was a brigade of emergency vehicles keeping a frantic pace in our path. I should have known that when you pull into a doctor's office and there is a massive car fire that you should just turn around and reschedule. Yes, it's apparently hot outside and car fires are bad omens.

So, Katie needs glasses. Her eyes are falling out of alignment again and she's starting to favor her right eye. ugh. I, of course, was hoping for good news. I wished that she'd have perfect eye sight. I wish that all is good in the world and I don't need to worry. But here I am, worrying. I'm good at it.

My mind is full of positive thoughts. I know that it's not the end of the world. I know that she has trouble seeing sometimes. I know that things could be worse. I know that she'll look cute in glasses. I know that they will help her learn and develop. I know these things.

My heart doesn't feel them, though. I have a little case of the heartbreak. I just wish she didn't have to deal with all of this. I wish I didn't have to worry. I wish I felt like my head tells me too. I know that there are many others out there that have much greater tragedies. But I can't help how I feel.

I was holding it all together until I heard "My Wish" by Rascal Flatts on the radio...

"and if one door opens to another door closed,

I hope you keep on walkin' til you find the window.

If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,

but more than anything, more than anything,

My wish for you is that life becomes all that you want it to.

Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small.

You never need to carry more than you can hold.

And while you're out there getting where you're gettin' to,

I hope you know that someone loves you and wants the same things too.

yeah, this is my wish"

That's when I realized, that my heart break wasn't because she needs glasses. My heartbreak is because today is just another reminder that I have to work hard to make her wishes come true. I have to be her advocate. I have to help her feel right in this world and I have to help her navigate through it all.

So, what it all boils down to is that I wish the best for her because I love her... that is where my mind and heart agree.

Countdown...

Countdown to summer... one more week until school is out and stress floats away like a balloon in the wind. I can't wait to be a stay-at-home mom again for two months. What a blessing.

Lately I've wanted nothing more than to just be home with my girls. Recently one of our little Williams syndrome babies lost his life and although I didn't know him, I feel a loss. I think about it often and I find myself just wanting to hold my children. It's scary because it's so close to home. I've been thinking back to all the feelings I had when Katie was in Children's hospital with congestive heart failure. It conjures up many memories.

Today, though, I can honestly say that Katie is so healthy, I don't find myself worrying too much about her. It's a relief to see her happy, medication free and growing. In the beginning, I wasn't confident that she'd have that sort of future. So, in the wake of a sad week for the WS family, I plan to count my blessings. I want this summer to be one of treasures.

We have plans of fun, educational exploration all summer. We will explore treasures in our city, with our friends and with family. We even have a big extended family vacation planned, a first for the Lohse's. Fun is looming... t minus 7 days!

Rollercoaster

I cried myself to sleep last night. I learned of a little girl who lost her life due to an unsuccessful heart surgery and just couldn't hold back the tears. Whenever anyone hears of kids dying it's just heartbreak. It turns to devestation when you realize that your own child has similar risks. The "s" word has been mentioned many times at Kate's cardiology appointments. So far we have been lucky and have been able to avoid it. Dr. Goel feels that as long as the holes in her heart close by the time she's 4 and her ateries don't narrow within a certain range, that we can avoid it. So I pray for that and nearly bathe her in holy water now and then.

I've gotten more comfortable as time has passed since Kate was diagnosed with a heart defect. In the beginning I thought my world was crashing. I would have spent many a day in bed feeling sad for myself and my baby if I hadn't had a 3 year old dragging the covers back and insisting on "pwaying pwaydo". Yes, in the beginning, Ally was my saving grace. Jon, too. Jon made me wake up to the fact that God choose me to be Kate's mommy for good reason and there was no reason to mope around feeling sorry for yourself. Yes, God chose me for good reason. I honestly believe that.

So fast forward to last night. I'm feeling blessed and happy and normal. Then word of that devestating day for another family and all those feelings rush back. There is a black little hole in me that is terrified about my daughter's fate.

Good things happened today, too. Things that remind me that everything is fine. Kate said "hi" a dozen times. She's really proud that she says it, too. It makes me smile just thinking about it. I nearly had a heart attack when I found that she rolled out of her swing today. After rushing to "save" her I found her giggling and playing with the tag underneath it. Shesh. The kid shows no fear. Ally decided that she's a girl. Ha. For 3 years all she wanted to do was play cars, trains and get dirty. Today she got her first Barbie, wore a dress and a party hat and painted her finger nails. I love it.

So, a rollercoaster of a day. I'm hoping tomorrow is a Sunday drive through Kansas...