Rollercoaster

I cried myself to sleep last night. I learned of a little girl who lost her life due to an unsuccessful heart surgery and just couldn't hold back the tears. Whenever anyone hears of kids dying it's just heartbreak. It turns to devestation when you realize that your own child has similar risks. The "s" word has been mentioned many times at Kate's cardiology appointments. So far we have been lucky and have been able to avoid it. Dr. Goel feels that as long as the holes in her heart close by the time she's 4 and her ateries don't narrow within a certain range, that we can avoid it. So I pray for that and nearly bathe her in holy water now and then.

I've gotten more comfortable as time has passed since Kate was diagnosed with a heart defect. In the beginning I thought my world was crashing. I would have spent many a day in bed feeling sad for myself and my baby if I hadn't had a 3 year old dragging the covers back and insisting on "pwaying pwaydo". Yes, in the beginning, Ally was my saving grace. Jon, too. Jon made me wake up to the fact that God choose me to be Kate's mommy for good reason and there was no reason to mope around feeling sorry for yourself. Yes, God chose me for good reason. I honestly believe that.

So fast forward to last night. I'm feeling blessed and happy and normal. Then word of that devestating day for another family and all those feelings rush back. There is a black little hole in me that is terrified about my daughter's fate.

Good things happened today, too. Things that remind me that everything is fine. Kate said "hi" a dozen times. She's really proud that she says it, too. It makes me smile just thinking about it. I nearly had a heart attack when I found that she rolled out of her swing today. After rushing to "save" her I found her giggling and playing with the tag underneath it. Shesh. The kid shows no fear. Ally decided that she's a girl. Ha. For 3 years all she wanted to do was play cars, trains and get dirty. Today she got her first Barbie, wore a dress and a party hat and painted her finger nails. I love it.

So, a rollercoaster of a day. I'm hoping tomorrow is a Sunday drive through Kansas...